I haven’t had to assert myself for a long time, until today that is. I don’t have a problem asserting myself and today however I experienced something different in the usual way I deal with instances contain conflict and the need to self-assert. I found I had absolutely no need or desire to be right.. to use a line from Robert Frost’s poem… and this made all the difference!
Self-assertiveness means that one has respect for the right of others to assert themselves as well.
Some time ago, I watched a woman (that I don’t know) who was trying to bully me into submission talk, and keep talking, in an effort to ensure I didn’t get the opportunity to present my view. As I stood there being preached at, I realised that even if I remained quiet, it didn’t mean I wasn’t asserting myself.
Then another angle was included into the mix when I didn’t respond the way she wanted me to – she started being insulting. Again, I didn’t get angry but I didn’t retreat either and when she realised I wasn’t shrinking back, she fell into the age old argument of telling me in front of others how rude I was, and here I was claiming to be this spiritual person who is training people to take love and respect out into the world while I was disrespecting her wishes.
I let her tirade continue for a while and then asked her if she was finished. She started her circular monologue again and when she paused for breath, I once again asked her if she had finished – she was incensed because I was not reacting the way she wanted me too. Eventually, I asked her to deal with whatever her issue was through the appropriate channels and softly closed the door, locking it to make sure she understood the conversation was over. I am proud that I did not knee-jerk and react. Instead I treated her with respect, even though she doesn’t think so, by giving her an opportunity to say what she needed to without reaction, I then thanked for her sharing and ended the interaction. So was I rude? Was I disrespectful? Am I not spiritual because I was asserting myself and my rights?
It could be that some people would view the interaction as not being loving, and perhaps it wasn’t. And perhaps it was. But for who? I was not rude to her, she had her say and I asked her to take it through the appropriate channels since I had had enough of her abuse. I was not disrespectful, I heard her and let her finish until she started the same argument again and then I put an end to it because I value my time and emotional wellbeing. The interaction was possibly a loving one from a number of view points (depending on who is looking and from which angle) and of course with these points of view being mine, it’s a personal opinion. The one thing I do know for sure, I loved myself throughout and after the abuse that was hurled at me!
I loved myself enough to stand my ground and not be bullied. I loved myself enough to not be affected by her tirade. I even loved her enough not to be insulting in return. As far as I am aware, in some versions of the beginning God created Adam, and from Adam came Eve – the Bible does not report that they were doormats. And yes, I am definitely a spiritual person but what I am not, is a doormat.
Heart Thoughts:
- The definition of “spiritual” is not “doormat”.
- The Buddhist way of non-attachment does work, I was not attached emotionally to the desire to be right or a result and so I found it easy not to react
Heart Note:
Think of a similar experience you might have had, write in your journal what happened, how you felt and how you handled it. Then write up a new result – if such a thing were to happen again you would have planned ahead of time how to deal with it effectively... planning healthy responses to these types of interactions does help in handling them.
Parting shot… I am in gratitude to this woman for showing me how much I have grown and also showing me how much I still need to learn!
In Gratitude
Mish
Mish
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