I don’t know where this came from originally. I found it among a ruthless, cut-throat cleaning spree I undertook this weekend, that still doesn’t feel finished, but I detour here, so back on track…
In the last while I have been living and experiencing a whole new thought pattern on the difference between 'an ‘involvement’ and a relationship. So when this popped up among my papers, I realised how I thought I would not forget this, but had and so I have put it on my blog so I wouldn’t do that again. I thought I would share it for a number of reasons, notwithstanding that I wish I had written it myself – it’s thought-provoking, it’s deep and it’s heartfelt – all of my favourite ingredients. Enjoy, and to whoever wrote it – thank you!
“When He Stays
A few months ago I went to watch a very thought-provoking African American movie in the outskirts of the good part of Pretoria – the title of which escape me. It is one of those movies that gets you thinking and gives you hard-hitting facts about life, a script so well-written you find yourself encouraging everyone who care to listen to invest in a ticket and time to watch it. Not one of those movies with a token black actor who is usually first to get killed or the ones where black people are portrayed as non-progressive, inferior and from unstable backgrounds.
I learned an invaluable lesson from this movie, one which I believe I would never have learned from my self-help books, Oprah or some motivational speaker who gets paid way too much money to play with words and pretend to know ALL our personal issues. It’s the kind of lesson you will only learn from an old, wise woman who has been through hell and back but still believes in heaven. This woman uttered the words I will carry with me and impart to my daughter one day; she said “when he stays when he should have left, he becomes mean.” At first glance this may seem cryptic and confusing but read it again and try to internalise it; “when he stays when he should have left, he becomes mean.” Now, that’s deep!
How many times have we stayed (or are currently in a relationship) with a man we know would rather not be with us? He is there, but he is not really there. For whatever reason you don’t want him to leave but you are not entirely happy with having him in your life. You have more downs than ups, yet you stay and he stays but he treats you indifferently, perhaps even insignificantly, but definitely very mean. His heart has left you, but he remains with you – you are his uncomfortable comfort zone. Perhaps you have asked him several times not to go because you fear being alone or for fear of the unknown. Many women would rather be with the devil they know than the god they don’t and they ultimately subject themselves to a man who has stayed, when he should have left and they wonder why he has become mean.
This lesson has changed my life. I looked back at a relationship I had which lasted close to seven years but about four of those years I was with a man who had stayed when he should have left. I reflected on how I had perfected the art of “working on our relationship”, yet I constantly felt my efforts were in vain. I still couldn’t release him to be. I nauseated myself trying to fix what was long broken – I clutched on straws and lived on hope. I suppose I blindly thought life started and ended with him, it was really depressing. My soul opened up to a lesson I should have learned over six years ago and before I acted so out of character (perhaps even a bit psychopathic). But as they say; better late than never.
I want you to understand what this lesson is and what it isn’t. It doesn’t say don’t fight for a good man or don’t work on a healthy relationship that is going through a rough patch. It doesn’t say every man will treat you badly at some point or that you should always be looking at the exit sign when you are in a relationship. It says, “when he stays when he should have left, he becomes mean.”
It says when your partner no longer cares, treats you with unimaginable disrespect and brings you down at every opportune moment, yet for some bizarre reason he stays (perhaps you are that odd reason due to the many times you have pleaded with him to stay), then he becomes mean. You have read all the self-help books can possibly get your hands on, talked to him, talked about him, resorted to the silent treatment, thrown yourself to the floor, kicked and screamed, written letters, sms, mms, memo’s, emails, telegraphs etc. You have exhausted every avenue you know – you have sought advice from friends, family, bus driver even the lady who sells vetkoeks on your street corner. But reality remains, he is staying when he should have left. Yes, he has changed – it is not a figment of your imagination.
The most pertinent question you should be asking yourself is why do YOU stay, when he has left?”
We have all been there. Male, female and even platonic involvements suffer from the above fate. As the overwhelming number of song lyrics say, “letting go is never easy…” and having been there (not once or twice) my statement here is perhaps letting go is easier that watching what once meant something deteriorate into a bloody mess without dignity, grace or a means to respect each other when its finally over. Mmm, something to think about.
In the last while I have been living and experiencing a whole new thought pattern on the difference between 'an ‘involvement’ and a relationship. So when this popped up among my papers, I realised how I thought I would not forget this, but had and so I have put it on my blog so I wouldn’t do that again. I thought I would share it for a number of reasons, notwithstanding that I wish I had written it myself – it’s thought-provoking, it’s deep and it’s heartfelt – all of my favourite ingredients. Enjoy, and to whoever wrote it – thank you!
“When He StaysA few months ago I went to watch a very thought-provoking African American movie in the outskirts of the good part of Pretoria – the title of which escape me. It is one of those movies that gets you thinking and gives you hard-hitting facts about life, a script so well-written you find yourself encouraging everyone who care to listen to invest in a ticket and time to watch it. Not one of those movies with a token black actor who is usually first to get killed or the ones where black people are portrayed as non-progressive, inferior and from unstable backgrounds.
I learned an invaluable lesson from this movie, one which I believe I would never have learned from my self-help books, Oprah or some motivational speaker who gets paid way too much money to play with words and pretend to know ALL our personal issues. It’s the kind of lesson you will only learn from an old, wise woman who has been through hell and back but still believes in heaven. This woman uttered the words I will carry with me and impart to my daughter one day; she said “when he stays when he should have left, he becomes mean.” At first glance this may seem cryptic and confusing but read it again and try to internalise it; “when he stays when he should have left, he becomes mean.” Now, that’s deep!
How many times have we stayed (or are currently in a relationship) with a man we know would rather not be with us? He is there, but he is not really there. For whatever reason you don’t want him to leave but you are not entirely happy with having him in your life. You have more downs than ups, yet you stay and he stays but he treats you indifferently, perhaps even insignificantly, but definitely very mean. His heart has left you, but he remains with you – you are his uncomfortable comfort zone. Perhaps you have asked him several times not to go because you fear being alone or for fear of the unknown. Many women would rather be with the devil they know than the god they don’t and they ultimately subject themselves to a man who has stayed, when he should have left and they wonder why he has become mean.
This lesson has changed my life. I looked back at a relationship I had which lasted close to seven years but about four of those years I was with a man who had stayed when he should have left. I reflected on how I had perfected the art of “working on our relationship”, yet I constantly felt my efforts were in vain. I still couldn’t release him to be. I nauseated myself trying to fix what was long broken – I clutched on straws and lived on hope. I suppose I blindly thought life started and ended with him, it was really depressing. My soul opened up to a lesson I should have learned over six years ago and before I acted so out of character (perhaps even a bit psychopathic). But as they say; better late than never.
I want you to understand what this lesson is and what it isn’t. It doesn’t say don’t fight for a good man or don’t work on a healthy relationship that is going through a rough patch. It doesn’t say every man will treat you badly at some point or that you should always be looking at the exit sign when you are in a relationship. It says, “when he stays when he should have left, he becomes mean.”
It says when your partner no longer cares, treats you with unimaginable disrespect and brings you down at every opportune moment, yet for some bizarre reason he stays (perhaps you are that odd reason due to the many times you have pleaded with him to stay), then he becomes mean. You have read all the self-help books can possibly get your hands on, talked to him, talked about him, resorted to the silent treatment, thrown yourself to the floor, kicked and screamed, written letters, sms, mms, memo’s, emails, telegraphs etc. You have exhausted every avenue you know – you have sought advice from friends, family, bus driver even the lady who sells vetkoeks on your street corner. But reality remains, he is staying when he should have left. Yes, he has changed – it is not a figment of your imagination.
The most pertinent question you should be asking yourself is why do YOU stay, when he has left?”
We have all been there. Male, female and even platonic involvements suffer from the above fate. As the overwhelming number of song lyrics say, “letting go is never easy…” and having been there (not once or twice) my statement here is perhaps letting go is easier that watching what once meant something deteriorate into a bloody mess without dignity, grace or a means to respect each other when its finally over. Mmm, something to think about.
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